Like all superheroes movie review bloggers, Heckler and Kochk have an origin story. Sadly it isn't that local news outlets, hearing of our wit, charm, and encyclopedic knowledge of the last 100 years of film, drove a truck full of money up to the entrance to our movie-lair[1] and begged us to send them the least of our thoughts on sci-fi and whatever else came to mind in receipt of which they would toss bundles of banknotes in our direction. Until now the true story has remained a mystery but now I can reveal it.
It was, unless I'm very much mistaken, Thursday 10 April this year. According to my notes we dined on Chinese take-away and pink fizzy wine. We watched two episodes of Star Maidens, the film Slither, three episodes of the Secret Service and one of Buck Rogers (the 30s version).
Frankly, looking at that list, I'm surprised we came out alive, let alone formed a blogging partnership. We may have been celebrating as we had finally finished both the Secret Service and Star Maidens that night, and decided to recount our experiences for others so they wouldn't have to sit through them. Hence: We Watch Bad Sci-Fi So You Don't Have To.
As for Heckler and Kochk, we took those names in honour of the Wheelsey Police Department, who, when confronted with the fact that Grant Grant has turned into an invincible squid beast who mutilates cattle, open up their gun locker to reveal a whole set of mismatched guns rather than the rack of identical weapons we're taught to expect. Our attempts to identify them included the "other" H&K and someone blurted out "Heckler and Kochk - We Watch Bad Sci-Fi So You Don't Have To."
We spell Kochk differently to avoid search engine results for people looking for gun who can spell, and also because it amuses Heckler. He likes knob jokes.
Heckler tells the story differently, but he's wrong, or at least wronger than me.
[1] Heckler's flat. I note that it is a basement flat, or secret bunker as Heckler prefers to call it.
For a variety of reasons I was looking at my notes and discovered the reviews of the things we watched the very night we decided to name ourselves Heckler and Kochk! As might be expected they're almost incomprehensible, firstly because it was dark when I made them, but also because we'd been drinking pink fizzy wine[1]. Nevertheless, let's take a look at our work from the very dawn of H&K.
Our main feature was Slither [2](2006, Dir: James Gunn) starring Nathan Fillion (Firefly, Desperate Housewives, Dr Horrible's Sing-Along Blog), a comedy/horror/sci-fi monster movie. Here are my notes, as I can best make them out
Asteroid or Meteor? I've been to karaoke nights like that. I honestly don't believe V__ was wearing a skirt that short[3]
At this point the picture appears in my notes.
"I'm surprised you're able to lift a mug, you've been carrying that torch for so long."[4] Nice Bra - She's a bit ropy looking. She's getting a horrible thing in her belly-button Huh huh breasts huh If only D__ would stop running his life like a 30s serial villain.[5] Heckler and Kochk gun Subtly knob-shaped mountain[6] The Curling Tongs! Yes! That's the last thing it's be expecting! It's like watching a film with a small child or possibly a giant penis on legs[7] "Well that is some fucked up shit." She's hidden those scissors in her pants! He's merely full of alien semen.
Anyway, the plot. An alien arrives in some rural American town and takes over Grant Grant. Grant then impregnates a local woman with his tentacles, and she gives birth to lots of alien slugs who take over the townsfolk turning them into zombies. There's also a love triangle as Bill Pardy (Fillion) is in love with Starla Grant, Grant's wife, and despite being an alien, Grant is still in love with Starla.
But is it really the plot we're looking for in this type of film? And is it comedy-horror or horror-comedy? The trailer can't seem to decide either.
All this is beside the point of how and why we named ourselves Heckler and Kochk, although I've subtly hinted at the exact moment, but I'll answer that question another time.
Anyway the important things: The V__ film classification board has rated this film as "Gruesome". enjoyed it a lot; in general I'm bored by horror films about 45 minutes in, but this one entertained me. However Heckler disagreed, and, as in my notes, here he gets the last word: "I'm not impressed by that film for this reason: it seemed neither a horror nor a comedy film."
[1] It's the manly thing to do! [2] Not to be confused with Slither (1973 Dir: Howard Zieff) a comedy-crime-thriller starring James Caan, or for that matter Sliver (1993 Dir: Phillip Noyce) a silly thriller about voyeurism and surveillance starring Sharon Stone and William Baldwin. [3] This was some byplay involving Star Trek figures recreating a scene from a night out. [4] Corrected to conform with the IMDb quotes page. [5] I'm not sure if this was byplay or our occasional "joke" in which we identify a character in the film with a friend. [6] This is a reference to a Tank Girl script in the back of the Tank Girl Novel Armadillo. [7] Why we chose "We watch bad sci-fi so you don't have to" as our subtitle over "It's like watching a film with a small child or possibly a giant penis on legs" I don't know.
As I'm sure you've all worked out, "Heckler and Kochk" scans to the theme tune of "Blankety Blank". So every movie night when we're grabbing beers from the fridge, pulling down the screen and cleaning the whiteboards, Heckler and I dance around to this tune. There tend to be slightly less circa 1980 minor celebrities amongst our guests though.
As it happens "Mystery Guest" also scans to it, so whenever we have a mystery guest, that's sung too.
After all that, bad sci-fi looks much more appealing.
